& so much more
A bi-monthly podcast where we share the stories of our Caregivers, patients and community.
& so much more
"Skip the Bull" Raw Truths, a Legacy of Wisdom and the Reality Behind a Journey Through Cancer
What wisdom would you choose to leave behind for your children if you suddenly weren't there to guide them? After losing his wife Johanna to breast cancer in August 2023, Daryl Calfee found himself confronting this profound question—leading him to write "Skip the Bull: Lessons from Your Dad After Your Mom Died."
"Skip the Bull" emerged from Daryl's realization that the hard-fought wisdom and funny farm stories accumulated through twenty years of marriage might be lost if something happened to him too. The book preserves these conversations—from practical advice about money and work to deeper reflections on faith and death—creating a legacy his children can revisit throughout their lives, finding new meaning in his words as they grow.
Have you considered what wisdom you'd want to preserve for those who matter most to you? Explore Daryl's book at bluehatpublishing.com, where pre-orders are available now before the wider Amazon release in June.
For more content from Centra Health check us out on the following channels.
YouTube
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Hi and welcome to, and so Much More. I'm Cami Smith and I'm your host, and I'm here with a friend of mine, Daryl Calfee, who we were just talking about how to introduce him An entrepreneur, business leader, community investor. But I kind of want to go with author today and I don't know why that didn't just jump at me when we were talking about it, because that is one of the reasons I get to have this conversation today, which, thank you so much I'm looking forward to it.
Cami Smith:You have lived it feels like a thousand lives in one life, ups and downs, and you've experienced so many wonderful things, but so many hard things as well, and so, while we're not going to talk entirely about it, we are here because of your wife's journey with cancer Johanna. And when did she pass?
Daryl Calfee:In August of 2023.
Cami Smith:August of 2023. So a lot of life has happened since then and we were talking off camera. I have a lot of conversations with patients and some of our patients have these insane powerful stories that they share about perseverance and overcoming fear and sometimes just living in fear, but I don't have a ton of conversations with patients, families and and what you have lived, I think, is just right up there as far as like just the weight that you're carrying. So why don't you tell me a little bit about that first? So Joe received care here at Pearson Cancer Center. Was that where she started care?
Daryl Calfee:yeah, so it was August 14th 2019. I'll never forget the day we got the call that her biopsy came back positive and so she had stage three inflammatory breast cancer and for the breast cancer community out there, you know, that's something that is going to exhibit signs on the outside of her breast and that was one of the things that you know. Honestly, an earlier mammogram probably would have found and so because she was under 40, it's not one of those things that we're on. Hey, you know you need to do this all the time. So I would just encourage like, hey, get a yearly mammogram. And if your PCP is resistant in saying, hey, you're too young, push on that, like say hey, like no, this is something that.
Daryl Calfee:I want to do. Yeah, there's a lot to be said for advocacy for yourself inside those rooms. Yeah, so August 14th 2019, we find out that she has breast cancer and literally that day, we were at the oncology center here in Lynchburg, and a lot of that is a by-product of having number one, a great community, and by great community I mean a great friend group, and we're lucky enough to have some people that work in healthcare in that friend group, and so they made some calls and, at the end of the day, dr Emily Jenkins got us in and we went and sat down with her, and so that day sticks out as being very surreal. Dr Jenkins had to ask the question and the question was hey, one of the options on the table is to terminate your pregnancy today because she was pregnant.
Cami Smith:How far along was she at that point? A little over a month, and a half.
Daryl Calfee:We'd found out in July that she was pregnant, and so, you know, it was a question that Jo answered so boldly, like, so bravely in that moment, and she just said no, and so what that meant was that she had to delay whatever treatment path she chose for you know, until into the second trimester, and the truth is is that there's just not a lot of data out there on pregnant women going through breast cancer treatment, specifically chemotherapy, and so I did all the research I could do.
Daryl Calfee:We found a small study that was done overseas, and it said that the outcomes were positive if the birth mothers waited until the second trimester. Okay. And so we sought a lot of counsel. We went and saw Dr Plock early about surgery, and we talked to Dr Jenkins, we went to UVA, got a second opinion, we also ended up at Duke as well, and so, long story short, she chose to delay her treatment, and it really gave Emmanuel, our son, a fighting chance to kind of set up in the womb, and he's here today, happy and healthy. He's over five years old, and so he's a gift every day.
Cami Smith:Listening to Monster Truck music. Listening to Monster Truck music.
Daryl Calfee:Yeah, so so you know, tracking back, it's obviously been a very long journey oh yeah but my mind can very quickly go to being in that room and watching her make that decision. Um, and then I fast forward to this morning and I'm getting him ready for school. Wow, and so both things can be true. Right, like you can still have a moment of grief about that loss, but you can also be very thankful the fact that he's here yeah and, honestly, time.
Daryl Calfee:The visual representation of time is watching children grow, and so when you look at the growth of Emmanuel from where he was at to where he's at today, like wow, what a visual representation. The girls Ellen Easton, since we have a 14 year old and an 11 year old and watching a visual representation of them growing even in just the last two years since Johanna's death. They're just different people.
Cami Smith:Yeah.
Daryl Calfee:Physically and obviously emotionally.
Cami Smith:Gosh and to see so much of her in them.
Daryl Calfee:Yeah.
Cami Smith:That's such a gift.
Daryl Calfee:It's beautiful? Yeah, it is.
Cami Smith:So, as um, as you were going along cause she received care really all over the place, anywhere you guys could go to get um, anything that would just push this along a little bit further, Um, and so what was that like? As the spouse, as cause, you really had to step in the balance in a lot of ways for that process. Tell me about that.
Daryl Calfee:I've never talked about this before, but this might be the perfect place to do that.
Cami Smith:Okay.
Daryl Calfee:I became the Google note taker right. So from our very first appointment, so literally until the last one before her death, I have Google notes that I just took at every appointment and part of it was for me just to ingest it and learn it. Part for me was her memory at times was going throughout the treatments and just to go back and recall like hey, what did we say, what's the next thing we're supposed to do? And I stepped away from my role. I had a full-time position as vice president of marketing at Moore and Giles here in Lynchburg and it became very clear that if I was going to continue to help her I was going to need to step away. And also just the taking care of the kids. So I kind of became her primary caregiver in a lot of ways.
Daryl Calfee:We obviously have a great community. People showed up with food and you know would come to oncology appointments, but the majority of that weight fell on me and then the kids had to get to school and you know, have diapers changed and all that stuff. So those were the things that you know, that's a lot, yeah, and I, I, you know my, my mother-in-law, is a breast cancer survivor. My own mother is a breast cancer survivor.
Cami Smith:Wow, this is a huge part of your story, huge part of our story and I think all of those situations happened much later in life.
Daryl Calfee:you know, and I think typically when we think about all my spouse is going to get sick, you know we say for better, for worse, right, Sickness and health. We think about ourselves way down the road. But when it happens at 38, um, it's just a different story because there's so many other responsibilities and career children you know, financial obligations, and so just had to take my head on.
Cami Smith:Wow, and you and Joe both um had I don't know if this is by choice, but you had a very community-centric, almost public life because of the level to which you guys chose to give back and be a part of this community.
Cami Smith:So, going through this I I say publicly, it's not like you were out there making yourself a spectacle but, um, what was it like to go through something like this in a very public way and that so many people were interested in what was happening I myself just having any any crossover with you guys. Um, gosh, I just thought about you guys so often and and and reading her posts and her updates.
Daryl Calfee:Um, what was that like to just experience that in a public way well, I think for a lot of my life, I felt like I was in the sidecar of whatever journey that Johanna was on.
Daryl Calfee:Yeah, right, you know that starts back with her being in TV yeah so a lot of people's interest was the fact that she was a local TV personality for a long time, right, and then when she stepped away from that and kind of really got healthy again and she jumped into working in the nonprofit world with Free of 424, right, where she was traveling every year to Thailand and India and working, you know, with those women that are heavily involved in sex trafficking, and so, like her, her person was very interesting.
Cami Smith:Yeah.
Daryl Calfee:And so you know, being the spouse of that, right, you're like, okay, like.
Cami Smith:Hey, what are we doing today?
Daryl Calfee:Right, Um, but Joe was such a good journalist and editor. You know, if you remember, we owned Lynchburg living.
Cami Smith:Yeah, that's where I did my internship when I was in college.
Daryl Calfee:Yeah.
Cami Smith:And I loved it.
Daryl Calfee:And so Joe had such an impact, you know, in that space between being in TV and working in the nonprofit world, in that Lynchburg living space, it really made her like this community fixture yeah, she brought so many different perspectives to the table. Yeah and in fact on her tombstone it says she was the editor of our lives and she was she was so good at at getting to the core, like what made you tick? Or what made you, what was your story?
Cami Smith:You know that kind of stuff.
Daryl Calfee:And so I just think that you know the way that she walked out her cancer journey here in our community was just very indicative of who she was and how she had always lived. I will tell you at home like she tucked away in the corner a lot. She was on the sofa often. She, you know, slept more than she normally would. I think she was just so tired. Yeah, and I think if I was speaking to you know somebody who's watching another group of people going through cancer, or you know you've got a person that's maybe third party, removed from you, that's going through something like this.
Cami Smith:just understand that like, hey, maybe the reason they're not showing up as much to events or in spaces is just they're exhausted, they're tired and it takes them mustering all their energy you know, to even show up in public sometimes yeah, like we think of the things that we don't bring to the public view, that do take so much out of us, and and then multiply that yeah and you get this journey that she was on, and so she did have such a journalistic background and I remember reading, so I read your book last night.
Cami Smith:Oh, thank you and loved it and there were so many things that just hit home and just these lessons. And I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but just to set this up. You had said that you kind of expected to find a book somewhere, and so when you did it you were like, well, it needs to be done. So I don't want to use my words to describe your book, but tell us like what brought. Well, first of all, let's see your book.
Cami Smith:Oh hey, I brought you a copy, thank, you and I'm really excited, so I read it on PDF. I'm a note taker person.
Daryl Calfee:Thank you.
Cami Smith:So let's skip the bull. And it says lessons from your dad after your mom died and first. Even that struck me because that's just a very raw explanation. You don't try to use very careful language like passing, and so tell us the why for you behind this book explanation. You don't try to use very careful language like passing and and so tell us the why for you behind this book so, after Joe passed away, what became very clear was is that?
Daryl Calfee:what if I got hit by a car tomorrow? What if the same happened to me? Who's going to tell the kids all of these things? Yeah, like the hard fought wisdom that we had earned over more than 20 years of marriage, because we hadn't always been perfect, we had failed so much that you know you're accumulating these things, and if nobody's there as one of those partners, who's going to tell the kids?
Cami Smith:Yes.
Daryl Calfee:The second thing is is like there's some really funny farm stories from when I was growing up that I just really wanted them to have. And both of those things have new meaning when you're about 30, when the frontal lobe has developed in a new way. But the truth is is like none of us remember our conversations with our parents when we were kids, yes, we might remember a few, but we remember experiences, we remember travel, we remember good and bad things that happened in our home, but we don't remember the conversations in detail, and so that's why I wrote them down.
Cami Smith:So hey, when they're 30, they can open this thing back up and maybe it'll have new meaning to them. This is incredible and as I was reading it, I was thinking about my own kids. Um and I have two very similar so, 11 and 13. And um and I it never occurred to me cause I'd never stopped to think about my own conversations with my parents and wanting to put that down on paper. I think you're going to find that a lot of people are going to read this and it's going to change how they think about those conversations and maybe even choose to write them down and have them somewhere for their own kids, which I think is really cool, because you probably I mean, this was for your kids, but now it's kind of for for parents everywhere to look at this impact that they have very differently. So I thought that was really cool.
Cami Smith:So what's what, in your opinion, is like your favorite story? Let's hear one of your stories.
Daryl Calfee:Okay, so there's a bunch of funny farm stories that I interject. And the real reason I did that was to kind of bring levity to the fact that a lot of it is very straightforward. It's like, hey, do this, don't do this.
Daryl Calfee:Here's some really hard lessons that we learned. Um, and I think you know, when you think about trying to represent what their mother would have said, well, you know, like your voice kind of becomes merged with hers at times and the thing, one of the things that sticks out to me is I'm trying to tell them how to be creative, because those two, the two older ones, and you know this, they're super creative. Yeah, like they're constantly making and I can see them entering into the world a lot, like we are here right, like where we're in creative endeavors daily, like how to navigate that. And then you know we talk about money and work and like, hey, how to navigate, because one, that's one of the things.
Daryl Calfee:My parents created a really great home life for me as a child, but we didn't talk about money yeah, and so like, hey, having some of those conversations, um, talking about love, right, and then also talking about, uh, faith and death, you know, especially in our community here, you know, religion is kind of overlaid on a lot of stuff yeah, it's like a faith bubble, yeah so like hey, how do we have that conversation?
Daryl Calfee:well too because, one of the things that we experienced a lot in johanna's cancer journey was, you know, that that faith overlay was a big part of it, and so a lot of people were bringing things to the conversation or to the table that we didn't necessarily hold in the same way. Um, while we were both like believers and, you know, had a strong faith, ours probably looked a little bit different, especially when you're going through things like that.
Cami Smith:Yeah.
Daryl Calfee:And so we were sent a lot of terrible books. You know, we were sent a lot of terrible links.
Cami Smith:And probably were offered a lot of terrible links and probably were offered a lot of cliche.
Daryl Calfee:Yeah, we're also offered a lot of healing treatments. You know, I think one of the things that I wanted you know, to kind of express myself, was like, hey, like at the core of it all, mike, here's how I want you guys to live so anyway so one of the funniest stories, I think, in the book, one of the appropriate ones there were.
Daryl Calfee:There are a few that are inappropriate, but my brother bought a dead sheep one time. Oh my gosh, yes, he did. And so I tell that story of us being at the farmer's market. It was like basically like an old John Michael Montgomery song, right Like I went down to the Grundy County auction, the farmer's market, we. It was like basically like an old john michael montgomery song, right like I went down to the grundy county auction. And we're sitting in this dusty old school like cattle auction and my brother, who's seven or eight at that time, keeps bidding on a sheep in a box, and he's the only person in the whole auction ring that's bidding on this, and the auctioneer doesn't even stop, he just keeps accepting this little kid's bid, which you know it's funny in hindsight. And so we drove home with a sheep in a box under our legs. The sheep died within 24 hours, which, you know, the truth be told like, the only sheep you should be buying in a box are lamb chops, right.
Cami Smith:Yes, yes, if it's in a box, you should probably move on.
Daryl Calfee:But what's interesting is that today he's a very successful farmer and he's he raises hundreds of head of Buffalo.
Cami Smith:No way, and so like this lesson early on really taught him something.
Daryl Calfee:So anyway I love it.
Cami Smith:So lots of fun, lots of really important lessons. I mean, I think everybody who reads this is going to learn a little bit of something. Is there anything I haven't asked you or anything we haven't talked about that you think it's really important for those who are listening to walk away with?
Cami Smith:Because I already think that families are going to, who are going through what you went through with a family member who's going through and not just cancer, I think, about heart disease and so many different things. They're going to feel, seen in a different way, maybe getting out their Google notes and feeling like me too.
Daryl Calfee:But is there anything?
Cami Smith:we haven't talked about that you wanted to touch on.
Daryl Calfee:I think one of the things that I learned through this is that we all have people in our lives that are experiencing hard things.
Cami Smith:Yeah.
Daryl Calfee:It happens to us all. It's just part of being human. Don't try to fix that for them, you know. Reach out to them, communicate to them like hey, I love you.
Cami Smith:Hey, I'm so sorry.
Daryl Calfee:This is a really hard thing that you're going through and then send them food, that's it. Don't try to solve the problem for them, right? Just be in the problem with them. Um, and I don't need an additional resource for fixing cancer today. What I need is is probably like an easy meal for my kids while my wife is on the couch asleep again.
Cami Smith:And there were those people in our community that did that consistently, and it was just such a gift, um, so I'd say that's one of the biggest things if you know somebody that's going through something really hard, especially as we talk about cancer yeah just show up for them in that way, yeah, or come sit with them, just come sit with them, yeah yeah, community is so important, and really any journey, but especially in moments like this, yeah, um, where you don't maybe know what to ask for or how to reach out, yeah, Because that person is never going to ask for anything. No.
Daryl Calfee:No, it's just not what we do. Yeah, but when you just show up, it means a whole lot. It really does Awesome.
Cami Smith:Well, thank you.
Daryl Calfee:Thank you, kenton.
Cami Smith:Yeah, I really am excited for those of you who are listening to read this. Where can they get this?
Daryl Calfee:Right now it's on presale at bluehatpublishingcom and then we will turn the Amazon full fulfillment on sometime in June.
Cami Smith:But if you're interested in presale.
Daryl Calfee:There are a limited amount of advanced copies and you can order at bluehatpublishingcom. And it will ship sometime on the 1st of May.
Cami Smith:Awesome. Thank you so much.
Daryl Calfee:Thank you and thank you all for joining.
